Long 8 Weeks

When you try and try and hope and pray and try for something for so long, you have this beautiful picture of how it is all going to play out when it does happen. I had this picture of seeing those two lines, jumping up and down, and crying tears of joy. None of that happened. I wanted to surprise my husband, my family, my friends. None of that happened.

I’m here to say fuck that picture in your head, none of that is going to happen. Nothing goes as planned.

I’m sure I said in it one of my previous posts because I have said it countless times, “the next time I get pregnant I won’t tell anyone until after 12 weeks”.

I lied, that’s bullshit.

I couldn’t keep this pregnancy a secret! No way! I’ve wanted this for too damn long to keep it a secret. I want the people in my life to be on this journey with me, no matter what happens. They have been by my side through the ups and downs so far, they deserve to a piece of this joy.

The best part of this pregnancy has been telling other people, and seeing their excitement. Because I still have not found my tears of joy or jumping up and down.

Am I excited? Uhh yeah, duh. But its not that easy.

I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks (I really wouldn’t wish that on anyone). Every trip to the bathroom after that was scary. I was convinced that I would be bleeding and that this dream would turn into a nightmare.

I did spot. A few times. People would tell me “Its normal to spot in the first trimester” Yeah well you know what? The last time I spotted in the first trimester it ended with me hearing the words “there is no heartbeat”. So that is what is “normal” for me. Every sign of blood led me into a panic. Just when I would allow myself to feel a little bit of excitement, I would start to spot. I would get kicked back down to that place of fear. Reminded that this can be taken away at any moment.

Its been a long 8 weeks living in that scary place. I know hitting 12 weeks doesn’t mean that anything is a guarantee. However, my wish has finally come true. My little miracle is here and its time that I believe that and start enjoying it. So that is what I am going to do, damnit.

 

 

 

 

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Is this real life?

I know, I know, I know…you haven’t heard from me in a while.  I promise, it was for good reason. Let me get you caught up and then you will understand.

The hubby and I went in for round two of IUI on February 5th. We went through the same ol routine. He does his little deal in a cup, we go to breakfast, and then its my turn on the table. I noticed the nurse spent a little more time down there than the first time. I didn’t know at the time if that was a good sign or a bad sign. She didn’t say much, just wam-bam thank ya ma’am and we were out of there.

The actual procedure was the easy part. The two week wait that follows is 100 times worse. I AM NOT A PATIENT PERSON. By day 10 I am convinced we had another failed attempt. My temp had dropped, I had no symptoms. I just knew it, ya know, I could feel it. I told my husband, “Don’t get your hopes up. We are just going to get another negative test.”

I think really, I had lost all hope. I had pretty much given up.

Friday was day 12 of 14, and I had a complete fuck it attitude. I was ready to drown my sorrows in Busch Light. I woke up around 4am that morning and thought I might as well take a test and get it out of the way. Yeah, it was still early, but I knew. I knew it was going to be negative. So I pulled a pregnancy test out of my ClearBlue arsenal and took my wizz. I fell back to sleep after. I didn’t have to be up for a couple more hours and sleep is VERY important to me. When I got up to get ready for work I checked the test. I could not fucking believe it. There were TWO LINES. TWO LINES YOU GUYS! It was positive!

I was in shock. I had all these great ideas in my head of how I would tell my husband when the time came, but all I could do was stumble in the bedroom and mutter “Log, there’s two lines”.

No tears, not even really excitement. I couldn’t allow myself to get excited yet. I convinced myself that this was an evaporation line, the test had been sitting out for two hours. Not because I didn’t want it to be true, because I didn’t want to believe it and then have it taken away.

I went to work for one hour before I just couldn’t take it anymore. I ran to a local store and grabbed another test, and took it at work. There were two lines, but one was VERY faint. So faint I wasn’t sure if I was even really seeing it. I was not going to let my crazy mind trick me into something that wasn’t there.

I think I lasted maybe 2 more hours at work before I went to the pharmacy to get a digital test. I went to a friend’s house and took the test there. As soon as I pissed on the stick, she grabbed it from me. Kept it in her pocket until it was ready. A few minutes later, she pulled it out of her pocket and with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes she handed it to me. I didn’t even need to read it, but I did. And I’ll be damned, it said PREGNANT.

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I am freaking pregnant.

640 days, 2 IUIs, 7 round of Clomid, 2 rounds of Femara, 103(and counting) Progesterone suppositories, 15 blood draws, 23 doctor appointments, finally all worth it.

This is my 12th week of pregnancy. And I am still not confident sharing the news. For a couple of reasons:

  1. I still fear EVERYDAY that this is going to be taken away from me. However, I told myself about a month ago, “God dammit Traci, you were given this gift. Maybe it is only for another week, maybe its only for another month, maybe its forever. Either way you need to appreciate every moment of this gift.” So, that is what I am trying to do.
  2. I remember what it is like to be the one on the other side. I remember seeing birth announcements and wanting so badly to feel happy, but only feeling empty, angry, jealous. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to share my news because of the women who will experience that feeling. And to those women, I am so sorry. But as I said earlier, I need to appreciate this gift and I want to share it with the world. Please, think of this as a little glimpse of hope when you are feeling down. It is possible, do not give up.

 

I have had many ups and downs so far, and I will be sharing ALL of that with you. However,  I think this is long enough for now. I promise, I won’t keep you waiting long.

Here is our announcement. I might be slightly biased but I think its awesome