I have a list of things you just shouldn’t do or say to any woman who is currently or has dealt with infertility. Many people probably don’t even realize these things might be offensive or might cause us to cry ourselves to sleep. So, I am here to help you. When these things pop into your head, you will think of me. You will say to yourself “Shit. I shouldn’t say that”.
- Don’t compare my story to your story. Or your aunt’s friend’s cousin’s story. Or any story you may have heard. Each battle with infertility is so different. You do not know how I am feeling just because you know someone that has been through it. It will be very hard for me to feel sorry for you when you say “Oh, I know how you feel. We tried for 5 months with our second child”. Don’t get me wrong, secondary infertility is just as exhausting. But I don’t want to hear it right now and I might punch you in the face. No one wants that. Just don’t.
- If you don’t know what is going on with my story, don’t talk about it. If you havent heard it out of my mouth or on my blog, don’t go around and talk about it to all your friends. You know who looks like an asshole when you go around town and tell people “I think Traci is pregnant” and then I’m not. YOU. Just don’t.
- If I don’t ask for advice, don’t give me advice. I know people want to be supportive and helpful. I am so thankful for that. But be that, supportive and helpful. Listen to me bitch and hold my hand when I’m crying. Don’t think that there is something you can tell me that I haven’t already thought myself, heard from a doctor, or read during my countless nights on Google. Just don’t.
- Don’t tell me to relax. This is just an all around good piece of advice. You know what doesn’t help someone relax? Telling them to relax. “You know, I bet if you would just relax you would get pregnant in no time” Oh really, thanks Susan. Why didn’t I think of that?! Just don’t.
- This is something I have actually learned since I started this crazy journey- Don’t ask couples when they are going to have children. Some couples just don’t want children, and that is their prerogative. Other couples may be trying and trying to start a family. Every single person who asks them that question is reminding them of their failure to do that. Just don’t.
I know I sound like an ungrateful bitch, but I am really just saying what so many other women have wanted to say. Trust me, this list could go on and on.
I am not ungrateful. I am forever thankful for the kind words, prayers, and pep talks. I know everyone has only the best intentions. We hear the things on this list, ALL THE TIME. I have yet to punch anyone. I kindly answer them, put on a fake smile, and deal with the emotions later. That is what we are trained to do in this fucked up world of infertility. So help me help the thousands of others that may be dealing with this. Next time you think about doing anything on the list above, JUST DON’T.